


If This is Goodbye

by Rhea1305



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Death, Death, F/M, Gen, Loss, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-22 01:52:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1571627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhea1305/pseuds/Rhea1305
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cross-post from ff.net. After a Klingon Warbird attaks a medical transport, the crew of the Enterprise have to face some difficult goodbyes. Slash. Major Character death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If This is Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after listening to Mark Knopfler's 'If this is Goodbye', a song written in response to and article in 'The Guardian' by Ian McEwan. It's about the phone calls from the Twin Towers and Planes on 9/11 and it encompasses the words of love that are spoken in their final moments. It's about how even in the face of certain death and in times of great fear, our instinctive reaction is not hate or revenge, but love and telling those we love, goodbye. It's an inspirational song and the version from the Prince's Trust concert is my favourite. I'd recommend listening to it at the same time as reading. The lyrics in the text are of this song, therefore, i do not own them. 
> 
> Warnings: (because apparently I don't put enough on) Major Character death and feels on the way. Please don't read if you are triggered.

This is impossible. This can’t be happening. Under no circumstances can he be dying first. If it was going to be anyone, it was supposed to be me. We were supposed to die together ideally. No, this isn’t happening, it’ can’t. He open’s his eyes a little and looks at me,

“Damnit Jim,” he coughs a little, obviously in pain. I tighten my grip on his hand and wait, “how did we end up here?”

“I don’t know Bones.” I want to say more than that. Say something that’s meaningful; say exactly how I feel about him. Say those famous three words, those famous last words…

 _My famous last words,_  
Lying around in tatters,  
Sounding absurd,  
Whatever I try

 _But I love you,_  
And that’s all that really matters,  
If this is good bye,  
If this is good bye.

\---------------------------------------------------------------  
His smile was like the sun. Always happy always smiling. He’s not smiling now. He’s got a clam serene look on his face, as if he’s sleeping. If my prayers have been answered he is sleeping. He’s sleeping and any minute now he’ll look up at me and show me that makes me feel like I can fly. Fills me with his confidence. The confidence he’s always had, that I’ve always wanted. That’s what I love about him. His smile, his optimism and his confidence. That’s why I love Pavel Andreievich Chekov. I love him and I know he loved me.

 _Your bright shining sun,_  
Would light up the way before me,  
You were the one,  
Made me feel I could fly,  
And I love you,  
Whatever is waiting for me,  
If this is good bye,  
If this is good bye.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

I can’t believe it. I never thought we’d only have such a short time. I thought we’d be together forever. He’d say that was a typically human response and it is. It’s human to love and it’s human to delude yourself about immortality. Hell, he was supposed to outlive me. He’s half Vulcan. I tighten my grip on his hand, not that he can feel it, but it helps. I bring it to my lips and kiss it gently, allowing the tears on my cheeks to fall gently onto him. God this hurts. Spock, I love you and right now, that’s all I can manage to think about.

 _Who knows how long we’ve got,_  
Or what we are made out of,  
Who knows if there’s a plan or not,  
There is our love,  
I know there is our love.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

“Bones, please don’t leave me.” I whisper gently to him, resting my forehead against our clasped hands. He can’t leave me. It’s not fair. Not now…

“Can’t help it Jim,” he coughs and smiles at me gently.

Oh god, he really is going to leave me. All this time we’ve been together and I’ve never said what I wanted to. Never said I loved him. I never told him those three famous words. Everyday implied but never declared because I was afraid, afraid if I said them I’d loose him, that I’d make myself vulnerable and then I’d loose him on a mission or in an attack. I couldn’t bear the thought. It hurt too much. So here I am, my last chance: “Bones…”I choke, when did I start crying? “Bones, I love you.”

He sends me a tired smile, “I know Jim, I always knew. I love you too.” Next thing I know he’s gone. Left me to the rest of the universe. I look around and see Uhura and Sulu in the same state. I should comfort them but I can’t leave Bones. I carefully climb onto the bed next to him and rest my head on his chest, crying.

 _My famous last words,_  
Could never tell the story,  
Spinning unheard,  
In the dark of the sky,

 _But I love you,_  
And this is our glory,  
If this is good bye,  
If this is good bye.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

The room’s full of people, crying and mourning the loos of three crew members, the colleagues; three friends. I’m stood at a podium, trying to say something to all these people, all the friends I have left. They’re waiting for their Captain to give them some words of comfort, but what can I say? I lost my best friend, the kid I’d adopted as a little brother and worst of all, the love of my life. God I miss him. It’s been just days and I already miss him. Why is he not here to help me through this? I look out to the crowd again and catch sight of Uhura and Sulu, both crying silently, waiting for me to say something.

I close my eyes and tears fall down my cheeks, “It’s difficult to find the right words to explain what I feel and what’s happened. In their last moment Bones, Spock and Chekov managed to say their goodbyes to the people they loved and although it doesn’t soften their deaths, this………this triumph of love is a shout out against the barbaric act committed by the Klingons when they attacked that medical transport. They’ll live on in our memories-”

I can’t go on. I tried, but I can’t the words won’t come anymore. All I can do now is cry. I turn away from the crowd and lay my hand on Bones’ coffin and say quietly, “If this is goodbye Bones, it’s only goodbye for now. I’ll come and find you, I promise.”


End file.
